In a culture that often equates self-worth with external achievements, it’s easy to lose sight of our
intrinsic value. In recent months, I’ve been learning about the concepts of Shame and Guilt.
Recognized author, Brene’ Brown, has written about this topic and while I am no expert on this
topic, I have read some of the information she has written about it. Hence, I thought it was
worth writing about and sharing some of the concepts I have learned that might be helpful for
others. If you want to learn more about Shame and Guilt, I recommend you check out Brene’
Brown’s website on the topic and/or read some of her books. The work she is doing around this
is insightful.

Let’s start with a simple definition and example of the difference between shame and guilt. Let’s
say I am expected at work to complete a task by a certain deadline and I miss the deadline and I
know I missed it. Naturally, I might feel guilt and hopefully remorse at missing a deadline and
potentially letting the organization or someone else on my team down. But, if I internalize that
too much and continue to beat myself up about it and start to believe “I am always forgetful” or
“I never keep my commitments” I just turned my guilt into shame. The simplest way I got it
when I first read about it is this: Guilt: “I did a bad thing”. Shame: “I am a bad person”. See
the difference. Guilt, in essence is a response to the “thing”. Shame is internalizing it and
making it about you. Unfortunately, shame is a sneaky devil, lurking around the corner waiting
to pounce. And often times it shows up because of past “shaming” – maybe you had a boss or a
parent who shamed you or “took you to task” a little too hard on a mistake and now every time
you make that same mistake, the voice inside your head starts telling you that “you are a bad
person”. Or, here is another shaming technique and one unfortunately I’ve used and is used all
too often. As a matter of fact I had a colleague who shared a story about this…I call this “don’t
go should all over everyone else”. Yes, I said should and not that other word of similar sound!
Have you ever been told or told someone what they “should” or “should have” done or not done
after they messed up? Not very helpful and sometimes it heaps a big stinking pile of “should”
on top of them which doesn’t help matters, even if you were trying to be helpful.
What’s the point of this post you might add….stop shaming yourself (and others). We all make
mistakes – no one’s perfect. I am not saying we never hold others accountable at work, in

relationships, etc. Sure, we need to do that. And we need to preserve our own self worth and
theirs in the process by not adding to their guilt with shame. You and they deserve better! I
know I have work to do in this area….I sometimes shame people unintentionally. And I find
“shame” lurking in the background sometimes when I let people down so I have to guard against
it too. I just know my Worth isn’t tied to my achievements or successes. But I have to tell
myself that often.